Religion

Jokes

Feng Shui is a teaching, which makes Chinese happy from moving things in their flats

Once, a man hooked a perch in the river. The perch was big, but the only fish the man managed to hook, fishing was not successful. When he got home, he saw that something of spherical regular shape stick out of the perch’s stomach. It turned out to be a tortoise. It gave no signs of life, but its paws and head were undamaged. For the lack of anything better to do, the fisher filled a glass jar with water and threw the tortoise into it. In the morning, he found the tortoise alive and rushing around in the jar. He went to the store and bought it frozen shrimps, worms and other dainties…

It sometimes seems, that’s all, they’ll bite you to death, but when you open your eyes, you see pure water, no predators around and lots of food. Just a paradise! The tortoise’s been living in it for four years now.

The ancient people kept gathering on a glade for executing ritual dances to overcome a drought or to stop torrential rains. Nowadays they gather for the climate change struggle in Copenhagen for special conference.

A tycoon complains to a Feng Shui expert:

"It seems that I’ve done everything the right way, I have a house in the West, a goldfield in the East, I always spend my holiday in the South, but I’m not happy!"

"It’s all because you should have been behind the bars in the North long ago."

And December 2012 has come… And an asteroid has appeared in the sky. And it started falling on Earth. And the panic set up on Earth, Aztec calendar ended, apocalypses is coming!

And the asteroid fell down on the stone asteroid calendar. And it was dust. And it was an explosion wave and a new Aztec calendar appeared instead of the old one – till 32 118. And another smaller stone was found nearby. And it was an inscription on it, "Next calendar will be sent to your planet on the day when the old calendar ends. Thank you for using our stone calendars!"

Revision in vivarium of the Evolution Genetics Research Institute resulted in a scandal. Rare specimen of Gorilla Madagascariensis turned out to be Associate Professor Petrov, who was put on the wanted list three years ago for nonsupport.

This incident discredits results of all experiments with primates carried out in the Institute for the last three years.

We remind that last week the Institute press service reported the breakthrough and claimed that a monkey from their vivarium learned to solve quadratic equations by itself.

Dog: "He feeds me, he cares about me, he gives me a place to live – perhaps, he is God!"

Cat: "He feeds me, he cares about me, he gives me a place to live – perhaps, I am God!"

An old Jew is dying. His friend, also a very old Jew, comes to tell him good-bye and says:

- Zyama, you’ll be in heaven soon and meet with Him. So, if He asks you about me, tell Him you’ve never seen me and don’t even know who I am.

They say a new computer virus will appear soon, named Inquisitor. It will search web pages for theological purity and sometimes give a signal “Alert! Heresy Found! Leave the website immediately, restart and reconsecrate the computer.”

A new priest asks a parishioner how she likes his sermons.

- It's great. We knew nothing about the sin before you came here.