Religion

Jokes

An atheist is walking down a road along a precipice. Suddenly the stones under his feet crumble away and he falls down into the precipice. A small tree growing on rocks arrests his flight. Hanging by it with one hand, he thinks: Well, I have nothing to loose if I pray.

- Do you here me, O Lord?

All of a sudden there is a voice:

- I do.

- Save me, O Lord, and I will believe in You.

- No, I will not. You all say so and then do not believe.

- Please, very very honestly I will believe in You. I swear. Now it’s done - I believe in You.

- Very good, I will save you. Let the twig go.

- You think I’m an idiot?

A woman comes to a voodoo wizard.

‘Help me to get back my husband! He’s left me with three kids for a young one.’

‘Okay, let’s see what I can do for you,’ the wizard says.

A week later the woman comes back turned pale.

‘Well, is your husband back?’ the wizard asks.

‘Yes, my husband is back, but it is my first husband who died twenty years ago!’

A story by Grigory Ostrov:

...An American woman by name of, say, Cat fell in love with an Israeli businessman and so much so that she came to Israel together with him, resolute to marry him. It meant she had to give up the religion of her fathers, Protestant or Catholic is not important, and to embrace Judaism.

As the believing Jews watch over the purity of their ranks, it is not easier for one to go through the giyur than to enter Harvard, and sometimes even more difficult. But love works wonders, and gradually our Cat got accustomed to wearing long skirts and high-necked dresses, memorized all the necessary prayers and blessings and learnt numerous rules governing every step of a Jewess. She managed to fit in the life of a strange people and was sure that even in labor she would scream in Hebrew, not in English.

All trials over, only mikvah, the last formal ritual, remained before our heroine was to turn into a Jewess. It is immersion in a special pool with a female servant seeing to it that a woman should immerse fully and no hair on her head should remain dry.

Hum and haw under the watchful eye of the woman servant, the American lowered herself into the water. It was the moment when disaster eventually caught her. The water was so cold that Cat cried out. It was not the indiscriminate 'Ouch!' but a specific cry she used to utter in similar situations when a child. After that her hope to go through the giyur and to marry an Israeli went in bits.

- Oh Jesus! - was what Cat cried out to finish off her aspirations to become a Jewess...

A story from LiveJournal:

Communist Russia. New Year eve. The campus students drink and celebrate. But for the Orthodox it is the strictest week of the Nativity Fast and the memory day of St. Boniface, the healer of drunkards...

One student, the future abbot, says his evening prayers and hears his mates knocking at the door: ‘C’mon buddy come with us!’

‘Sorry guys, I can’t. I’m not alone,’ he said meaningly through the half-open door.

‘Okay, we see. Sorry. Have a good time!’ the mates replied meaningly, too, and left.

‘Well it was true that I wasn’t alone. God was with me,’ the priest smiled years later.

Fr. Karol Wojtyla had to hear the exams of his students from the Lublin Catholic University, but he was late due to a train delay. The students spent some time waiting for him and went. There was only one priest left, but he never saw Wojtyla in person and used other students’ notes to prepare himself for the exams.

When Wojtyla who was hardly older than the waiting student rushed into the auditorium, the student was glad not to have exams alone.

‘Hi, buddy! Exams too?’

‘Yes, exams,’ Wojtyla said.

‘The don is being late, but I have to wait since I need that exam right today,’ the student explained.

‘Hey, you haven’t met Wojtyla, have you?’ Wojtyla asked.

‘Nope. He must be boring. I’ve never attended his lectures. The guys’ve told me they are pretty abstract and hard,’ the student said.

They talked and talked and finally started discussing the exam topics. Wojtyla asked and answered the questions and in easy terms explained many complex philosophic issues. At some point the student said: ‘Hey buddy, you’re really smart! When the don comes please may I go first or I fail if I follow you.’

But the next moment he was really stunned:

‘May I have your record? I’m Wojtyla.’

The young priest had his B plus.

From The Flowerets of John Paul II:

The pope’s spontaneity has more than once caused a ‘comedy of mistakes.’ Who could ever imagine that the pope personally makes or answers his phone calls?

John Paul II phoned to Switzerland where his friend Bishop Andrzej Deskur was in hospital. The telephone girl asked who was calling before connecting him with Descur’s room.

‘The pope,’ the pope truthfully said.

After some silence the girl said: ‘If you are the pope, I am a Chinese emperor,’ and rang off.

From The Flowerets of John Paul II:

At some pint the journalists became especially interested in John Paul’s health and every rumor on the issue was discussed. Yet when the pope was asked about his health, he answered: ‘I don’t know, I haven’t read the morning news so far!’

An Internet-found story:

A Moscow branch of a famous American business group was informed that the mother agency in the US was organizing a corporative party for their gay staff in Las Vegas. The Moscow branch was ordered to send some gays too, no less than two but no more than five.

The Moscow staff was stunned by the order and the director got really puzzled since no one looked happy to go to Las Vegas. However the director was a skilled one, so he found the solution: the two managers with the worst quarterly rating, they would go to the party.

World’s all leading car makers said they were going to fit out each their car with at least eight cushion pads. To compete with them, the Russian car manufactures said that all modern Russian cars would be equipped with at least eight holy icons each.

US President Reagan, Soviet President Gorbachev and Israeli Prime Minister Peres tried to reach God by phone calling from Washington DC, Moscow and Jerusalem respectively.

The former two failed while Peres succeeded easily.

‘Well, I’ve just been located within the home network,’ he told his surprised colleagues.