Religion

Jokes

A surgeon, an architect and a politician discussed which of their professions was the oldest.

The surgeon said, ‘Well, you remember at the creation when God made Eve, he made her from a rib of Adam? That was the work of a surgeon. You can’t get more ancient than that!’

Then the architect said, ‘Ah, but before that God brought order out of chaos. That was the work of an architect and that makes the architect’s profession oldest.

‘Ah,’ said the politician, ‘But who made the chaos?’

A godly man came to church, prostrated himself before the altar and cried out to God: ‘Please, Lord, won’t you let me win the lottery? I promise before you that I’ll only spend the money on most blessed things.’ Saturday came and went, and the man didn’t get any prizes at all. He took his case to God: ‘I’ve been your faithful servant for all my life, now I am so poor, so please do help me and let me win the lottery,’ he said.

This time he was sure the message had got through. He waited with excitement for the results to be announced. But once again he had won not a sausage. By this stage the priest was getting angry. He marched up to the altar and cried before God again and again. After all some angels who were sick and tired with his noisy prayers came to God and said to him: ‘Look, you’re the almighty God after all, come on, grant this godly person his first prize.’ ‘All right,’ God said, ‘I could’ve done it ages before, but let him buy a ticket at least!’

- Mr. President, why gay parades are often held in democratic capital cities while banned in Moscow?

- You see, parades are normally held by the victorious...

After eating the forbidden fruit, Eve said:

- Goodness, I am naked!

The serpent was waiting for that:

- Madame, may I draw your attention to our new women’s underwear collection…

That’s how marketing works: they first make us try a forbidden fruit and then tell us what we need!

One warm summer day I was walking across a bridge one day, and I came across a man standing on the rail, about to jump. I said 'Stop! don’t do it!'

'Why not?' he said.

I said, 'Well, there’s so much to live for!'

He said, 'Like what?'

I said, 'Well... are you religious or atheist?'

He said, 'I am quite religious.'

I said, 'Me too! Are you a Christian?'

He said, 'I am.'

I said, 'Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?'

He said, 'Protestant.'

I said, 'Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?'

He said, 'Baptist!'

I said, 'What a happy coincidence. So am I. Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?'

He said, 'Baptist Church of God!'

I said, 'Amen! Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?'

He said, 'Reformed Baptist Church of God!'

I said, 'Amen and Amen! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?'

He said, 'Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915!'

I said, 'Die, Godless heretic!' and pushed him off the rail.

Archeologists discovered the corps of Jesus and came to tell a famous liberal theologian.

- What? Sinister! What for the burial? Is it of the type it should be?

- Positive.

- Radiocarbon dating?

- Fits.

- It's impossible! What about the features?

- Exactly his.

- Goodness, it's the end... You've just destroyed all my theories. How can it be possible that he really existed?

During a visit to some city, the pope climbed into a limo and the driver asked if he needed anything. ‘Well, son, what I’d really like is to be able to drive myself for a change,’ His Holiness said.

Intimidated by the pope’s status, the driver said OK, but warned, ‘Please watch your speed through here, sir, this is a notorious speed trap.’

Unfortunately, lights were already flashing, so the pope pulled over. When the trooper got to the car, he recognized the pope in the driver's seat and said, ‘Uh, just a minute, sir. I'll be right back.’

The trooper went back to his car and radioed his supervisor, ‘Uh, I pulled somebody over for speeding who is pretty important.’

‘You didn't pull over the mayor, did you?’ the supervisor asked.

‘No sir, he's bigger than the mayor.’

‘It wasn't the governor, was it?’ his boss asked.

‘No sir, he's bigger than the governor.’

‘Don't tell me you pulled over the president,’ the supervisor said.

‘Sir, he's bigger than the president.’

‘C’mon son, who did you pull over?’ he asked.

‘It looks that Jesus himself!’

‘What!?’

‘I'm not exactly sure, but the pope is his driver!’

A TV newsblock on 8 February 2007:

‘Forensic medical examination did not detect any holiness in the shrine.’

A discussion between two men.

‘There’re no miracles!’

‘No, there’re some. A few weeks ago one chap jumped down from the cathedral top and survived!’

‘C’mon, that’s a pure fluke!’

‘Well, a couple of days after that he jumped again and did not die either.’

‘That’s a coincidence!’

‘But he jumped again yesterday, and still lives!’

‘That’s must be a habit.’

A Dutchman goes to his priest for confession.

‘Father I have sinned’.

‘What is it my son?’

‘During the war I hid a Jew in my attic.’

‘You did a noble thing, why are you upset?’ the priest said.

The Dutchman said: ‘I asked him for money for his food every week.’

The priest said: ‘There was not a very big sin either. It was hard times, and you were not a rich man. Go in peace.’

‘One more thing,’ said the Dutchman. ‘Do I have to tell him the war is over?’