- Can you lend me some money on parole?
- No problem!
- But what if I won't pay back?
- You will be ashamed when you meet your Maker.
- Well, who knows when it happens?
- If you don't pay back, you'll meet him on the morrow of the due day.
A referee dies and goes to the paradise’s gate to meet over there St. Peter before entering.
- What did you do while alive?
- I was a referee!
- Well, I know lads of your pool, you’re all venal!
- No, I was an honest one! In the final game Russia-France in Moscow I ordered an eleven-meter penalty kick to the Russian goal when the score was 2:2 and there was two minutes before the end of the game.
- Hmmm... Sounds unrealistic. When did that happen?
- Five minutes ago!
There is a football team called Fenrbahce. From Istanbul. The good part of the players are Brazilians.
They have recently played a match in Milano. The coverage starts and the camera is showing faces of the players coming to the field. The Turks, one after the other, make the sign of the... CROSS.
A Jew came to one town. In the street he saw another Jew and asked him:
- Will it take long to get to the Jewish Cemetery?
- I hope, at least one hundred years, if God helps me!
A poor Jewish tailor speaks to his friend:
- I so much await the Messiah to come. He will raise all the dead and they all will need dress.
- You fool! All the tailor will raise too so you’ll got harsh competition.
- Never mind, there will be no competition. They know nothing of the current fashion.
An atheist is walking down a road along a precipice. Suddenly the stones under his feet crumble away and he falls down into the precipice. A small tree growing on rocks arrests his flight. Hanging by it with one hand, he thinks: Well, I have nothing to loose if I pray.
- Do you here me, O Lord?
All of a sudden there is a voice:
- I do.
- Save me, O Lord, and I will believe in You.
- No, I will not. You all say so and then do not believe.
- Please, very very honestly I will believe in You. I swear. Now it’s done - I believe in You.
- Very good, I will save you. Let the twig go.
- You think I’m an idiot?
A woman comes to a voodoo wizard.
‘Help me to get back my husband! He’s left me with three kids for a young one.’
‘Okay, let’s see what I can do for you,’ the wizard says.
A week later the woman comes back turned pale.
‘Well, is your husband back?’ the wizard asks.
‘Yes, my husband is back, but it is my first husband who died twenty years ago!’
A story by Grigory Ostrov:
...An American woman by name of, say, Cat fell in love with an Israeli businessman and so much so that she came to Israel together with him, resolute to marry him. It meant she had to give up the religion of her fathers, Protestant or Catholic is not important, and to embrace Judaism.
As the believing Jews watch over the purity of their ranks, it is not easier for one to go through the giyur than to enter Harvard, and sometimes even more difficult. But love works wonders, and gradually our Cat got accustomed to wearing long skirts and high-necked dresses, memorized all the necessary prayers and blessings and learnt numerous rules governing every step of a Jewess. She managed to fit in the life of a strange people and was sure that even in labor she would scream in Hebrew, not in English.
All trials over, only mikvah, the last formal ritual, remained before our heroine was to turn into a Jewess. It is immersion in a special pool with a female servant seeing to it that a woman should immerse fully and no hair on her head should remain dry.
Hum and haw under the watchful eye of the woman servant, the American lowered herself into the water. It was the moment when disaster eventually caught her. The water was so cold that Cat cried out. It was not the indiscriminate 'Ouch!' but a specific cry she used to utter in similar situations when a child. After that her hope to go through the giyur and to marry an Israeli went in bits.
- Oh Jesus! - was what Cat cried out to finish off her aspirations to become a Jewess...
A story from LiveJournal:
Communist Russia. New Year eve. The campus students drink and celebrate. But for the Orthodox it is the strictest week of the Nativity Fast and the memory day of St. Boniface, the healer of drunkards...
One student, the future abbot, says his evening prayers and hears his mates knocking at the door: ‘C’mon buddy come with us!’
‘Sorry guys, I can’t. I’m not alone,’ he said meaningly through the half-open door.
‘Okay, we see. Sorry. Have a good time!’ the mates replied meaningly, too, and left.
‘Well it was true that I wasn’t alone. God was with me,’ the priest smiled years later.
Fr. Karol Wojtyla had to hear the exams of his students from the Lublin Catholic University, but he was late due to a train delay. The students spent some time waiting for him and went. There was only one priest left, but he never saw Wojtyla in person and used other students’ notes to prepare himself for the exams.
When Wojtyla who was hardly older than the waiting student rushed into the auditorium, the student was glad not to have exams alone.
‘Hi, buddy! Exams too?’
‘Yes, exams,’ Wojtyla said.
‘The don is being late, but I have to wait since I need that exam right today,’ the student explained.
‘Hey, you haven’t met Wojtyla, have you?’ Wojtyla asked.
‘Nope. He must be boring. I’ve never attended his lectures. The guys’ve told me they are pretty abstract and hard,’ the student said.
They talked and talked and finally started discussing the exam topics. Wojtyla asked and answered the questions and in easy terms explained many complex philosophic issues. At some point the student said: ‘Hey buddy, you’re really smart! When the don comes please may I go first or I fail if I follow you.’
But the next moment he was really stunned:
‘May I have your record? I’m Wojtyla.’
The young priest had his B plus.
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