Religion

Jokes

A Roman Catholic priest came to a barber’s. He got his haircut and asked the barber, how much he owed. ‘Nothing, Father, I never charge the Catholic priests,’ the barber replied. The priest was nicely surprised, and the next day the barber found twelve bottles of the finest Benedictine wine at his door.

Another day an Orthodox priest came to the same barber’s. He was served and asked the barber if he owed something for the job. ‘Absolutely nothing, Father, I never charge the Orthodox clergy,’ the barber said. The Orthodox priest was nicely surprised as well, and the next day the barber found twelve bottles of vodka at his door.

Some days later a rabbi came to the same barber. After he had his hair cut, he asked for a bill too. ‘You owe me nothing, rabbi. I never charge rabbis,’ the answer was. The rabbi was very much surprised too, and the next day the barber found... twelve rabbis at his door.

After hearing the defender’s speech, the judge says:

‘If I understand you well, I have no choice but to declare the accused saint…’

A preacher:

‘Dear friends, who can tell me, what one should do before begging God’s forgiveness of his sin?’

A female voice from the pews:

‘To commit a sin?’

An atheism school teacher tells her class:
‘Now shout skyward: There’s no God!’

As she observes one boy not shouting she asks:
‘Why are you not shouting?’

‘Well, if there’s no one up there, what the sense of shouting? - he says, - And if there anybody, what the sense of shattering the relations?’

A rich man comes to a rabbi and offers him US$100 for telling him where God lives.

‘I will give you US$200 if you can tell me where he does not live,’ the rabbi smiled.

A congregation member came to his vicar:
‘A member of our congregation stole my bike but I’ve now idea who exactly. Please help!’

‘Well, all right,’ the vicar said. At my next sermon I will go through the Ten Commandments. When I get to “Thou shalt not steal” we’ll get it. The one who will turn red is the thief.’

After the sermon the vicar asked the man whether it worked.
‘Well, in a way,’ he answered. ‘Actually, you were reading “Thou shalt not commit adultery” I suddenly remembered where I left the bike.’

An ambassador and a bishop discuss their styles in a train roomette.

‘I am styled Your Grace.’

‘Well, I am styled Your Excellency.’

A traveling salesman sitting next to them interferes:
‘Still my styling is more prominent! Any time I approach to customers, they shout: O my God! That’s you again!’

A man brings some very fine material to a Jewish tailor from Odessa and asks him to make a pair of pants. When he comes back a month later, the pants are not ready. Two months later, they still are not ready. Finally, after six months, the pants are ready. The man tries them on. They fit perfectly. Nonetheless, when it comes time to pay, he can’t resist a jibe at the tailor.

‘You know,’ he says, ‘it took God only six days to make the world. And it took you six months to make just one pair of pants.’

‘Ah,’ the tailor says. ‘But only look at this pair of pants, and look at the world!’

A priest asks a boy who came for confession:

‘Have you ever plucked out money from the offering-box?’

‘Well, I haven’t, but I like the idea!’

Three pilgrims say their prayers.

First: ‘O God, what I am before thee! Just a weightless hardly visible speck, moved by the wind.’

Second: ‘O God, how small I am before thy greatness! Just the smallest paltry atom lost in the depths of the universe.’

Third: ‘O God, I am so small before thee. Just a little warm...’

The first to the second: ‘Look at this megalomaniac!’