During a visit to some city, the pope climbed into a limo and the driver asked if he needed anything. ‘Well, son, what I’d really like is to be able to drive myself for a change,’ His Holiness said.
Intimidated by the pope’s status, the driver said OK, but warned, ‘Please watch your speed through here, sir, this is a notorious speed trap.’
Unfortunately, lights were already flashing, so the pope pulled over. When the trooper got to the car, he recognized the pope in the driver's seat and said, ‘Uh, just a minute, sir. I'll be right back.’
The trooper went back to his car and radioed his supervisor, ‘Uh, I pulled somebody over for speeding who is pretty important.’
‘You didn't pull over the mayor, did you?’ the supervisor asked.
‘No sir, he's bigger than the mayor.’
‘It wasn't the governor, was it?’ his boss asked.
‘No sir, he's bigger than the governor.’
‘Don't tell me you pulled over the president,’ the supervisor said.
‘Sir, he's bigger than the president.’
‘C’mon son, who did you pull over?’ he asked.
‘It looks that Jesus himself!’
‘I'm not exactly sure, but the pope is his driver!’
A TV newsblock on 8 February 2007:
‘Forensic medical examination did not detect any holiness in the shrine.’
A discussion between two men.
‘There’re no miracles!’
‘No, there’re some. A few weeks ago one chap jumped down from the cathedral top and survived!’
‘C’mon, that’s a pure fluke!’
‘Well, a couple of days after that he jumped again and did not die either.’
‘That’s a coincidence!’
‘But he jumped again yesterday, and still lives!’
‘That’s must be a habit.’
A Dutchman goes to his priest for confession.
‘Father I have sinned’.
‘What is it my son?’
‘During the war I hid a Jew in my attic.’
‘You did a noble thing, why are you upset?’ the priest said.
The Dutchman said: ‘I asked him for money for his food every week.’
The priest said: ‘There was not a very big sin either. It was hard times, and you were not a rich man. Go in peace.’
‘One more thing,’ said the Dutchman. ‘Do I have to tell him the war is over?’
A Roman Catholic priest came to a barber’s. He got his haircut and asked the barber, how much he owed. ‘Nothing, Father, I never charge the Catholic priests,’ the barber replied. The priest was nicely surprised, and the next day the barber found twelve bottles of the finest Benedictine wine at his door.
Another day an Orthodox priest came to the same barber’s. He was served and asked the barber if he owed something for the job. ‘Absolutely nothing, Father, I never charge the Orthodox clergy,’ the barber said. The Orthodox priest was nicely surprised as well, and the next day the barber found twelve bottles of vodka at his door.
Some days later a rabbi came to the same barber. After he had his hair cut, he asked for a bill too. ‘You owe me nothing, rabbi. I never charge rabbis,’ the answer was. The rabbi was very much surprised too, and the next day the barber found... twelve rabbis at his door.
After hearing the defender’s speech, the judge says:
‘If I understand you well, I have no choice but to declare the accused saint…’
‘Dear friends, who can tell me, what one should do before begging God’s forgiveness of his sin?’
A female voice from the pews:
‘To commit a sin?’
An atheism school teacher tells her class:
‘Now shout skyward: There’s no God!’
As she observes one boy not shouting she asks:
‘Why are you not shouting?’
‘Well, if there’s no one up there, what the sense of shouting? - he says, - And if there anybody, what the sense of shattering the relations?’
A rich man comes to a rabbi and offers him US$100 for telling him where God lives.
‘I will give you US$200 if you can tell me where he does not live,’ the rabbi smiled.
A congregation member came to his vicar:
‘A member of our congregation stole my bike but I’ve now idea who exactly. Please help!’
‘Well, all right,’ the vicar said. At my next sermon I will go through the Ten Commandments. When I get to “Thou shalt not steal” we’ll get it. The one who will turn red is the thief.’
After the sermon the vicar asked the man whether it worked.
‘Well, in a way,’ he answered. ‘Actually, you were reading “Thou shalt not commit adultery” I suddenly remembered where I left the bike.’
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