A congregation member came to his vicar:
‘A member of our congregation stole my bike but I’ve now idea who exactly. Please help!’
‘Well, all right,’ the vicar said. At my next sermon I will go through the Ten Commandments. When I get to “Thou shalt not steal” we’ll get it. The one who will turn red is the thief.’
After the sermon the vicar asked the man whether it worked.
‘Well, in a way,’ he answered. ‘Actually, you were reading “Thou shalt not commit adultery” I suddenly remembered where I left the bike.’
An ambassador and a bishop discuss their styles in a train roomette.
‘I am styled Your Grace.’
‘Well, I am styled Your Excellency.’
A traveling salesman sitting next to them interferes:
‘Still my styling is more prominent! Any time I approach to customers, they shout: O my God! That’s you again!’
A man brings some very fine material to a Jewish tailor from Odessa and asks him to make a pair of pants. When he comes back a month later, the pants are not ready. Two months later, they still are not ready. Finally, after six months, the pants are ready. The man tries them on. They fit perfectly. Nonetheless, when it comes time to pay, he can’t resist a jibe at the tailor.
‘You know,’ he says, ‘it took God only six days to make the world. And it took you six months to make just one pair of pants.’
‘Ah,’ the tailor says. ‘But only look at this pair of pants, and look at the world!’
A priest asks a boy who came for confession:
‘Have you ever plucked out money from the offering-box?’
‘Well, I haven’t, but I like the idea!’
Three pilgrims say their prayers.
First: ‘O God, what I am before thee! Just a weightless hardly visible speck, moved by the wind.’
Second: ‘O God, how small I am before thy greatness! Just the smallest paltry atom lost in the depths of the universe.’
Third: ‘O God, I am so small before thee. Just a little warm...’
The first to the second: ‘Look at this megalomaniac!’
During Vatican II, some cardinals came out for a smoke:
-Do you think we will live to see the married clergy?
-I think we will not, but our children will.
An experience reported by the Moskovsky Komsomolets daily.
In a check-up of the safe keeping of worship buildings, the police came to the synagogue on the Poklonnaya Hill. To have their lunch at the same place they brought some lard, which is forbidden by Judaism as everyone knows, and put it in the rabbi’s fridge.
Eventually, the fridge had to be thrown away.
Two Jews have found themselves on a deserted island. When they were found two years later, there were three synagogues on the island.
‘What are three synagogues for?’
‘Why? I come to one, he comes to another and we both ignore the third!’
A young Jew asks his rabbi.
‘Rabbi, I would like to marry Rabinovich’s youngest daughter.’
‘Well, marry her then’.
‘But her parents are against’.
‘Then don’t marry her’.
‘But I love her very much’.
‘Then marry her’.
‘But my parents are against it either’.
‘Then don’t marry’
‘But I cannot live without her’
‘Then marry her’.
‘But what will we live on?’
‘So don’t marry then. You know what would be the best of all? Get baptized!
‘Rabbi, why on earth should I get baptized?’
‘So that you may fool Father Alexander, not me’.
A rabbi taught his parishioners to seek answers to their questions in their inner selves. But many still preferred to resort to him. Ultimately, the rabbi installed a box in the synagogue and wrote on in: ‘Only 100 dollar for any two questions’. The following day, a parishioner comes to him with two questions. Paying the money he says.
‘Don’t you think 100 dollars is too much for two answers?’
‘Yes, you are right’, the rabbi replied, ‘And what is your second question?’
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