A parishioner asks his priest.
‘Father, if I donate you a million dollar, will I save my soul?’
‘I can't guarantee it, but surely let us try’.
‘What is a combat unit made of eight Wahhabites called?’
The State Duma has adopted the Ten Commandment. Amendments are considered.
Indian theologians have reported: flying sources are effects of gods’ family brawls.
A rich Jew comes to a bank to cut a deal but cannot find a place at the parking lot. He is very late, his deal can be wrecked.
‘O God’, the Jew invokes the heaven, ‘help me to find a place and I will give away ten percent of the deal to the poor’.
Five minutes have passed but there is no place.
‘O God’, the Jew entreats, ‘Give me a place and I will give one fourth of the deal to charity’.
Two more minutes have passed with no place cleared.
‘O God’, the Jews begs desperately, ‘give me a place and I will take half of the profit to the synagogue.
A place is cleared immediately. The Jew quickly drives in.
‘You may have a rest, God, I myself have driven it through.
Holy Writ says: ‘Gold belongs to me and silver belongs to me’. So I asked God, ‘If all the gold and silver are yours, can such a trifle as ten thousand be of any use to you, O Lord? Loan it to me for only one day’.
'Why only one?'
'Because for God one day is as good as a thousand years. For Holy Writ says: And a thousand years are but yesterday in thy sight’.
'And what was God’s answer?’
'He told me to wait till tomorrow’
In Soviet times, a rabbi is elected at a synagogue. There are three candidates. One is well versed in the Talmud but he is not a Communist Party member, the second one is a member but is not well versed in the Talmud, while the third one is both a member and a Talmud expert but he is a Jew.
A Jew comes to his rabbi.
‘Rabbi, I have at home a wife, children and a mother-in-law. There is no room for my own self at all. What shall I do?
‘Bring in a dog. Let it stay at your place’.
‘But, Rabbi, there is no room even without a dog!’
‘Bring in a dog, I say!’
In a month’s time the Jew comes again:
‘Rabbi, it is real bad now, no place for me at all. The dog runs around all the time, the children scream…’
‘Bring in a she-goat’.
‘Bring in a she-goat, I say!’
Another month has passed.
‘Rabbi, the she-goat shits right inside, everybody just groans, it is a nightmare!’
‘Bring in a cow!’
‘But, Rabbi, that’s too much!’
‘Bring in a cow, I say!’
Another month later.
‘Rabbi, I have always respected you, but your advice has made my life impossible. Save me!’
‘Turn the dog, she-goat and cow out into the courtyard!’
The next day the Jew comes running beside himself with happiness.
‘Thanks you so much, Rabbi. It is now so nice, so roomy!’
Two Jews are arguing.
‘White is not a color!’
‘Of course, it is!’
‘White is still not a color!’
‘Well, let us go and ask the rabbi’.
The rabbi hears them out and says.
‘It is a difficult question. I have to look what the Torah says about it. Come tomorrow’.
The next day.
‘I have looked it up. The Torah says white is yet a color’.
They leave the rabbi. The first Jew then says:
‘Well, let it be a color. But black is not a color, indeed!’
‘You say black is not a color!?’
‘No, black is not a color!’
‘Let us come back to the rabbi!’
They come back to the synagogue.
‘Rabbi, settle our dispute. Black – is it or is it not a color?’
The next day the rabbi answers.
‘Yes, according to the Torah, black is a color’.
The Jews leave the rabbi. The second one says to the first.
‘Now you see, white is a color and black is a color. It means I still have sold you a color telly!’
A church in down town Moscow. An offering box hangs at the fence.
A BMW of the latest make pulls in. A New Russian gets out and, brandishing a 100-dollar banknote so that everybody may see it, comes to the box and makes his donation.
He comes back to his car, drives away and runs immediately into a KAMAZ truck. Meanwhile a Mercedes with a security jeep pulls in. Another New Russian gets out and brandishing a 100-dollar banknote comes to the box and now hears a cry coming from the crushed BMW:
‘Brother! It doesn’t work!’
Page: | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 |