Italian province. A local peasant comes to the priest for a piece of advice.
"Father, we've lived with my wife so many years, but we have no children. What shall we do?"
"My son, don't fall in despair! Go to Vatican, the priest said. There, light the grandest candle in St.Paul Cathedral and pray to the Lord so that He gives you children."
Ten years after, the priest passes by the door of that peasant and wonders what has happened to him. He opens the door and sees nine children running one after another.
"And where are your parents?" he asks.
"Mummy's in the hospital, giving birth to the tenth baby, and Daddy's gone to Vatican to blow out the candle!"
Americans hunt for terrorists all around the world.
Though, how they are hunting... Poaching...
Heaven. St. Paul welcomes newly arrived couples. He says: "Here, you have to divide: all couple who observed Biblical principles and husband was the head of the family should go to the right, if a wife was the head, go to the left."
In half an hour, St. Paul comes back and sees: there is a long line on the left, and there is only one couple on the right. He comes up to this couple and asks: "Are you sure you have chosen the right side?" The husband answers: "Oh, I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."
A woman comes to the priest:
"Father, bless me to divorce."
"And, what has happened?"
"My husband is bad, he does so many awful things..."
"Why did you marry him?"
"Oh, I was so silly!"
"You see, he loved you and married you, no matter that you're silly, and you want to divorce..."
Words are like keys: if you use them right, you can open any soul and shut up any mouth.
I buy herbal tea in the monastery store and read at the package: "May God save you!"
Below is written: "Saving not more than two years."
Oh, Lord, can you give me a guardian angel with a bludgeon rather than with wings? So that on the key moments he would give me a kick and I would at once understand my mistake and act in a different way.
What luck that Peter the First has happened in the 17th century! It's terrible to imagine what he would force nowadays boyars to do, if he had hacked his "window to Europe" today.
A loutish young man enters the church, comes up to the priest and slaps him on the cheek and says smiling maliciously:
"Father, it is said: "If you are slapped on the right cheek, turn the other, too."
The priest, a master of sports in boxing, with a hook sends the impudent man to the church corner and says shortly:
"It is also said, the measure you give will be the measure you get."
Parishioners in fear ask:
"What is happening there?"
The deacon explains grandly:
"They interpret Gospels".
Two of my good friends shared their experience of working in a church store. Some episodes made me smile. They told me how fashionable old women choose funeral dress. I admire them. Here are some abstracts:
“Give me cloths for wearing beyond the grave!”
“Excuse me and you have only the one with laces on the back, haven’t you? And don’t you have the one with a zipper? It is not so good to resurrect with the naked back, is it?
“And do you have another color to match my eyes?”
“Give me another, this one doesn’t fit, when I rise my hands, it is a little bit tight on the chest.”
“And do you have with short sleeves? For summer?”
“-Do you have a scarf for this dress?
-Here it is.
-And they say there should be a special veil.
-Yes, there is one. It fits all styles.
-And what else is needed?
-People usually take a cross, an icon, a special prayer and a special corona.
-OK, I’ll take it. And bags for all these are also typical, fitting all styles?”
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