"Jews, remember: there are three most terrific sins. The first sin is spite. If the neighbor's cow dies you shouldn't be glad, you should sympathize with him. The second sin is depression. If you have only one cow, it is old and sick and gives little milk, don't get depressed, but rejoice, someone doesn't have even such cow."
A voice from the crowd:
"Rabbi, but it is spite, a terrific sin, to rejoice that someone doesn't have cow, you've just said it."
"And the third sin is grunge attitude."
A five thousand rubles banknote boldly comes to the paradise entrance.
It looks wonderful, rosy and tall, not rumpled, not torn and smells nicely.
And a ten rubles banknote is dirty, with a torn corner, mended with sticky tape, covered with signs of indefinite type hopelessly and lamely stands near the hell abyss
An angel comes out and sends the five thousand rubles banknote to the hell and the ten rubles note - to paradise. Everyone is amazed.
The five thousand cries out: "People loved me so much! Everyone was happy when I came to their hands! They praised me so much! I brought only joy to people."
And the ten rubles banknote, going lamely to paradise said: "My dear, and how often have you been to the church?!"
Two angels are speaking at the entrance to paradise:
"Look! A new party of sinners is coming! We won't let them in, their place is in hell!"
"Why to be so intolerant? They are not sinners, they're alternatively righteous. And their place is not in hell, but in paradise with alternative climate."
North-eastern districts of Haiti are suffering from devastating floods. For the first time in history it was decided to use magicians and people with extrasensory perception to fight with the natural calamity. Three thousand magicians are digging drainage channels. Shovels are given to people with extrasensory perception.
A couple of pensioners found themselves in paradise. The sun is shining, birds are singing, it's so nice that the heart is rejoicing. Suddenly the husband clips on the back of his wife's head.
"What's the matter?!"
"If it's not your foolish porridge diet, we would have lived here already for two years!"
Old people believe that if you are honest, work hard and do not commit sins then after your death you will find yourself in the USSR.
"Hi! I haven't seen you for ages!"
"I've been to Israel, at the Wailing Wall."
"You left a note there, don't you?"
"Yea. "Won't be soon. Jacob."
One early morning, I heard a ring at my door. A young man stood at my door and said: "Good morning, I am a Jehovah's Witness and I would like to talk to you. "Please, come on in," I said. He came in looking somewhat confused. "So, what would you like to talk to me about?" "I don't know," he said shyly, "I never went that far!"
Grandson, who was a Goth, came to spend summer months at the country with his granny. All this time local residents believed he was a priest.
An eloquent agent advertising advantages of the district to a potential farm buyer says:
"To become a paradise this farm lacks only good people and water."
"The hell lacks the same things," the buyer answers.
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