Religion

Jokes

Revision in vivarium of the Evolution Genetics Research Institute resulted in a scandal. Rare specimen of Gorilla Madagascariensis turned out to be Associate Professor Petrov, who was put on the wanted list three years ago for nonsupport.

This incident discredits results of all experiments with primates carried out in the Institute for the last three years.

We remind that last week the Institute press service reported the breakthrough and claimed that a monkey from their vivarium learned to solve quadratic equations by itself.

Dog: "He feeds me, he cares about me, he gives me a place to live – perhaps, he is God!"

Cat: "He feeds me, he cares about me, he gives me a place to live – perhaps, I am God!"

An old Jew is dying. His friend, also a very old Jew, comes to tell him good-bye and says:

"Zyama, you’ll be in heaven soon and meet with Him. So, if He asks you about me, tell Him you’ve never seen me and don’t even know who I am."

They say a new computer virus will appear soon, named Inquisitor. It will search web pages for theological purity and sometimes give a signal “Alert! Heresy Found! Leave the website immediately, restart and reconsecrate the computer.”

A new priest asks a parishioner how she likes his sermons.

"It's great. We knew nothing about the sin before you came here."

"I heard you've got married lately, right?"
"I have."
"No doubt, your wife is a beauty, isn't she?"
"She is, exactly the Venus de Milo, also armless in household. She's got all my dishes broken."

Two "Shahid" bombers go to fulfill a task.
One asks the other:
"Feel nervous?"
The second replies:
"Sure! Anyhow, it’s my first time!"

What is superfamiliarity?

It’s when you start your prayer with "Hey, you!.."

It took Odyssey twenty years to come back home from Troy. Surely, the gods were to blame as they impeded him in every possible way…
…At least that’s what he told his wife.

A Jew comes to the synagogue every day and prays:
"Oh my God, please, help me win a million!"
However, his prayers yield no result. Finally, he feels annoyed and says:
"Oh, my God, help me win a million, if you don’t, I will go to an Orthodox church!"
As he doesn't win anything, the Jew goes to an Orthodox church and prays:
"Oh, Jesus, help me win a million, then I will donate a half million to the church."
And the same day he wins a million. Next day the Jew goes to the synagogue again and prays:
"Thank you, my God, that you fulfilled my request, though you were long in answering."