Religion

Jokes

"There's an omen, if you see a spider, you'll soon get a letter. I've been to the exhibition of spiders. What does it mean?"

"You'll get piles of spam!"

Oh, Lord, please, do not give me what I want, give me what I need!

Two priests are fixing a board with inscription: "Stop! The end is near! Turn around before it’s too late!" A truck is passing by beside them at high speed, the driver is cursing and shaking fist at them: "Damned cultists! You screw me down!"

The car passes out of sight, the sounds of crash and bubbles are being heard. One priest says to the other: "Perhaps, you were right and we should better write, "Bridge is destroyed."

A collector of old books asks his friend whether he has any books of such kind.

"I have it no more, his friend says. I threw away a very old Bible a week ago. I think it was published by… Gut… what’s his name… Guten…"

"Gutenberg? You threw away Gutenberg Bible? Don’t you know it’s the first book ever printed! It’s priceless! One book costs four million dollars!"

"No one would give a penny for mine. A queer fellow covered all margins with his notes. I believe his name was Martin Luther."

From the Clerical News collection of Svetlana Naumova:

A man invited two girls to sauna and ordered drinks and snacks. He tells a waiter, “Please, dress a salad with vegetable oil, not mayonnaise. I’m fasting, after all!”

* * *

A devout and well-off man devised all his property to a monastery where the monks should pray for him during exactly half of the time left before the Judgment Day. There were many claimants to his inheritance, but all failed to prove that they would pray exactly half of the time left before the Judgment Day, as this date in unknown to humans.

True heirs, however, turned up. What did they say?

They said that they would pray every other day.

* * *

"In a Sunday school, children are taught to act according to conscience, rather than according to Freud." (Quoted by a TV show)

I understand that Jesus Christ also was a carpenter. But He never worked in a tower block with a drill at weekends!

Today, I bumped into a car trying to answer the phone call from my mother. When I took the phone and yelled "WHAT?!", she answered, "I just had a bad feeling and called you to ask if everything was all right."

Administrator is going along the hotel corridor and hears a man singing in one of the rooms.

He asks the concierge:
"What about our guest from room 14? Have you given him his bill?"
"Yes, Sir."
"Then why is he singing?"
"He is not singing, Sir… It’s a requiem sung for him."

One-dollar bill has met a 20-dollar banknote.

"Where’ve you been? I haven’t seen you for ages…"

"Oh, first I was spinning around the casino, and then started on a voyage. Afterwards I got back to the States, called on two baseball matches, found myself in a supermarket, so it goes… And what about you? What’s up?"

"Always the same thing, church, church and church again…"

Two blondes came to the Zoo. One of the girls stopped near the monkey cage.

- Why have you stopped here? - her friend asks.

- I’ d like to see how a monkey will be turning to man.

- Oh, you’ll have to spend here a year to see them doing so!